Ethics: Bible College Student Can’t Get Over Fiance’s Promiscuous Past

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What would you do Wednesday!

A friend of yours is in Bible college. He is 23 years old and became a Christian when he was 20. He met a great Christian lady who is also in Bible college. They recently became engage, but he has a dilemma.

His fiancée is also 23 and saved at 20. Before becoming a Christian she was a bit promiscuous. In fact, your friend was also promiscuous before coming to the Lord – maybe more so than his fiancée.

The fiancée understands their promiscuous past has been forgiven and is behind them in their old life. However, your friend’s dilemma is that he cannot seem to get over his fiancée’s past sexual indiscretions. Her past bothers him to the point where he is not sure he is ready to move forward with the marriage. At the same time, he thinks that once married his ill-feelings will go away. He needs your advice.

What would you do?

  • Go ahead with the marriage then things will get better.
  • Get counseling and forge ahead with the marriage.
  • Get counseling, but do not go forward until he can accept Christ has forgiven her.
  • Tell him to get over his double-standard or become a monk.
  • Or…

Here I Blog…

Mark

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The above article was posted on January 28, 2015 by Mark Lamprecht.
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Vernita s. February 2, 2015 at 8:48 pm

I believe He needs counsel more so for himself, than his fiancée. He’s holding her to a standard that he, himself has failed in. And it is obvious, he has not forgiven her. This is not the way to start a marriage because it lacks a major Biblical principle, that of mutual trust. His ill-feelings is likely to worsen. And his reasoning isn’t being dealt with based upon the word of God. He’s trying to convince himself of an outcome which he can’t give.

He’s must remember, we have sinned and come short of the glory of God. (Rome. 3:23). Now, through the grace of God, she has been forgiven and her past is over. And it appears there is no sign of infidelity at this present time, that is something good he need to consider. If she can put it behind them, and is willing to build a future with him, he need to show grace and mercy. If he can’t give this before marriage, he’s not ready for marriage. Another point is that he appears to be insecure in the relationship. And he’s judging, and that’s not good. (Matt. 7:1-5). There can’t be one rule for him and another for her.

2 Dale Westervelt February 5, 2015 at 3:13 am

First time visitor. I commend your creative vehicle here to have readers think and respond to a not at all unrealistic scenario. For what it may be worth, Lao Tzu said described marriage as, “10% love and 90% forgiveness of sin.” The couple must work this through–maybe even prior to deciding whether they are compatible. Three issues they will need to explore are: her feelings about her past (apart from her fiancee’s imposed guilt), his reticence to be gracious and the extent to which this is a symptom of a frame of heart or isolated to this issue, and then the much deeper issues of basic trust and respect. Thank you for your thoughtful blog!

3 GTR done April 27, 2015 at 4:10 pm

Questions to Consider:
1. “holding her to a standard that he, himself has failed in.” That may be all it is, but it may be more than that. Men and women are different, and the Bible does call them to different roles. As husband and patriarch of his future family, he does need to discern the attitudes and actions of a future wife. He actually has no need to forgive her, as her sin was before they met and before her conversion. Her sin was against God, and He has forgiven, assuming a honest conversion. However, he must judge (discern, evaluate) the consequences of her previous life.
*Her attitudes toward marriage, him as the head of the family, her as the helpmeet, etc.
*Has she fully disclosed her past?
*Are there issues of STD’s, abortion, etc that may effect her fertility and health, as he seeks to fulfill Gods command to “Be fruitful and multiply”; and having children to be like arrows in his quiver.
*Are there issues with her wanting a “nice guy” to settle down with, now that she has sown her wild oats? This is a big problem in marriages today. If her sexual history is with exciting, hot guys, and he is a nice safe guy, her sexual attraction to him will be very low. Perhaps he is sensing this.
*Although a Christian, are her opinions of marriage (divorce, child rearing, finances, other Biblical standards) mature and solid? Has she (and he!) studied the Bible on these issues?
*Its his responsibility to choose a good woman to be his wife, not just assume she is good fit because she is now saved.
2. It is good that she is not older than him, and is only 23. She is probably not to the point of hearing her biological clock ticking, and willing to settle for a nice guy.
However, look carefully at her family history, and what messages she picked up in the home about men, women, marriage, divorce, etc, etc, etc.
Other than being cheated on, there is not much worse than being put in the “friend zone” by your wife.
If she really wants to be a Biblical wife, and wants to get married so she can have lots of sex with him, and will keep him and the marriage below only God (not her mom or the kids), then he is probably good to go.

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